The only time in my life I have ever felt even the slightest bit suicidal was in lower Beverly Hills, CA. Pico and Robertson to be precise. Sitting on my yoga mat chanting the Sikh religion I suddenly realized I had let myself be sucker punched into bait and switch yoga. I paid good money for kundalini yoga not Sikh Orthodox religious training. The Kundalini Kult Kreated by fake guru Yogi Budget is a righteous rip-off. God does not want me to spend my precious life learning more empty useless religious ritual and I do not need to pray on street corners to impress the Jewish Orthodox Rabbi’s at schul across the street from Yoga West.
Guru Singer had the class practicing Sikh chanting to Alzheimer kriyas when my body needed a kundalini yoga work out. Guru Singer kept strumming his guitar and chanting into his microphone until I felt like throwing up on him and the chanting chanteuse clutching her microphone up on stage with him. Yoga West is not that big enough of a yoga studio to require a high voltage public address system. At least the posers up on the dais are holding microphones instead of the Kundalini Kaur Kirpan women in the lobby waving swords. The guru worship icons on the wall at Yoga West come from Sikh religion, not old school kundalini yoga.
Chanting is Sikh Religion, Not Real Kundalini Yoga
Gagging on the stale chanting air, I suddenly remembered that there is no hot water at Yoga West and so I meditated into God Consciousness and brought my spontaneous suicidal vomiting urges under control. Chanting made me feel like I was finally worshiping the Dark Side, much as I have tried to avoid it. I could feel the guttural vibrations of my chanting in my gonads making me heavy and lashing me to the moist wet earth. I was trying to sublimate my gross, material body, not learn more fake religious ritual tying me to the cycle of death and rebirth.
Real Yoga is Breathing in Silence
One week previous I had left my spiritual seclusion in the desert to take Level 1 Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training because I wanted to purify my soul and merge with the infinite, not engage in new avenues of materialism. I came to Yoga West for liberation not more useless grunts from my own sound hole. It’s a good thing I have God in my life because the only time I have ever been suicidal was while yoga superstar Guru Singh was reading his lines into his microphones up on the stage at Yoga West.
Yoga by Bhajan Falls Under the Sikh Religion
Kundalini Yoga as synthesized by Sikh entrepreneur Yogi Bhajan on Melrose Avenue is definitely a religion and should be labeled as such for the benefit of the yoga consuming public. Kundalini, Inc. makes me feel like I have been sucker punched by snake oil salesmen advertising yoga and selling religion. Kundalini yoga plays on the goodwill of yoga and yoga students such as myself.
All my life I have been defending yoga to fundamentalist Christians by saying that it is not a religion per se, and here are the Kundalini’s proving me wrong. Kundalini yoga as synthesized by Yogi Bhajan is definitely a religion. Kundalini is not even that great of a yoga work out. After sitting on your yoga mat for fifteen minutes listening to someone in white religions garments telling you that a sword swinging Kaur princess is going to come into Yoga West and slice your balls off, you start to feel the creepy kripans.
Let’s Beat Swords Into Microphones
In class Guru Singh teaches that the Kundalini Knife Kaur’s are going to come out swinging their swords in attack mode. This blog is the only sword I have to defend myself with. The purpose of this blog is to turn my shield into a sword and go on the offensive. The only time in my life I have ever felt like I needed a sword was sitting on my yoga mat in Guru Singh’s class at Yoga West. Now that I know the rules of engagement I say, bring it bitch!
Surrender to God is My Life!
It was really open-minded of me to check out kundalini yoga and chanting. Real yoga is one breath, one movement. I always hated chanting, even before Yoga West. What I really want to do is surrender, shut up, and listen to God. I don’t want to hear guttural utterances from myself or anyone else. I “do not put my trust in man whose breath is in his nostrils.” I seek intuitive counsel from the small still voice within.