Hole in My Head
For most of my life I have been running around trying to fill up the aching hole in my heart by engaging in relationships. Women, men, dogs. Five years ago after my German shepherd died, I began to experience that for me there is no other.
My greatest blessing was to be totally alone with God, and finally forced to honestly face myself. When I had the self-honesty to finally let God show me what I was really like, and exactly who I was, it was really painful at first, but only for a minute. The pain of my self-realization was warmed away by its’ own luminescence. My pain canceled itself out. The reason I need God in my life as a recovering alcoholic is so that when I finally realize what I am really like, I will be able to take it without killing myself.
Every once in a while I will encounter someone on the street who is in as much pain as I used to be. Usually it is an emotionally distraught woman. When I was young I was a hysterical little bitch. Now I just want to be quiet, thoughtful and a much more private person when we meet in line at the grocery store. I’ll just let out all of my honest emotions in this blog.
It took decades of meditation for God to heal the schisms in my psyche. When I was a kid I got hit in the head by a rock and it put a God hole in my brain. Now there’s a hole in my head where the God gets in. Wihelm Reich explains how my schisms make it easy for me to take in cosmic energy and difficult to take in human energy.
I choose to experience the other as a mirror of myself because it quiets things down. I like being in solitude in quiet environments. I like applications for white noise and serenity soundscaping. I’m sick and tired of loud pop culture so I took a vow of silence. These days I prefer to pray for humility.