Questioning coffee culture

Why is America coffee-centric?

After years of making my coffee extra strong I have finally weaned myself down to making my coffee exactly as directed on the coffee package. Now I know how normal people feel when they drink one cup of normal strength coffee. Coffee makes me feel really good really fast, and then after an hour I feel nervous and shaky. Coffee leaves me feeling jacked-up and manic and yet I continue to kill myself with it anyway. Coffee is killing the God inside of me.

American revolutionaries drink coffee

Buried deep in my subconsciousness is a childhood memory of learning about the Boston Tea Party in elementary school. One of the oldest tapes I sometimes play inside of my head is about revolutionaries climbing aboard ships and busting open crates of tea. Two or three times a year when I am drinking coffee I visualize a mob of political protesters tossing British tea into Boston Harbor, and I tell myself that this is the reason Americans prefer coffee over tea. Getting rid of tea was part of getting rid of the British.

What a cultural mistake, we should have switched to Japanese or Chinese tea. Tea is a much better stimulant than coffee. Tea is spiritual and coffee is murder. A wise man from India once said: “If you drink the evil coffee, then stop drinking it.” I wish it were that easy. Perhaps I need a coffee rehabilitation treatment center.

A kundalini yogi taught me that coffee is evil but I still continued to drink it anyway

Coffee is killing the God in me.

Coffee is like a lover that I have out grown but cannot leave. My cabinet contains a healthy selection of all colors of tea, some contain varying amounts of caffeine, some herbal containing no caffeine. The subtle mood lift of tea simply does not compare to the brutal whole-body assault of the evil coffee. Coffee is my abusive lover that am always leaving and then returning too.

The same thing happened between me and tobacco. Although I never had a serious tobacco habit, I smoked just enough to damage my health. I quit smoking cigarettes so that I would not die of another heart attack. Coffee probably also damaged my heart health just like cigarettes. Maybe if coffee was as deadly as tobacco it would be easier for me to give up the Starbucks whole beans I buy with my food stamps on Amazon.

My soul has always known that I should give up coffee. Being jacked up on coffee makes me into someone that I no longer want to be. Coffee turns me into a flesh eating zombie and so I should probably give it up once and for all just like I finally quit smoking tobacco. Time to do a 12 Step treatment on my coffee addiction.

Does coffee prevent suicide?

My problem is that coffee is a tremendous mood lifter. If I am depressed in the morning my cup of coffee lifts me right out of that depression. If someone ever told me that they were suicidal I would say, please let me grind up some Starbucks Veranda Blond beans and make you a latte.


By Dean McAdams

Born a poor peckerwood in Tujunga, CA, Dean mastered secrets of the ancient grifters in order to elevate himself.