The Pain of Masculinity

I Never Believed That I Was Depressed Until I Took An Honest Look At Myself

When I was a young extrovert playing guitar in third-rate rock bands I used to pump myself up with rage and sadness. Other people could see my depression but I could not. Now at sixteen years sober in my new state of awareness I can look back at my life and see the obvious depression. As soon as I was able to become aware of it I dealt with it. Now I know exactly what I was so pissed-off about. It’s all infantile family of origin programming. I needed the pain so that I could find God, yoga and meditation. It’s a good thing that I never realized how depressed I was when I drank otherwise I might have blown my brains out.



The key is to find a place to learn self-awareness. When I was a regular at Primetime Alcoholics Anonymous meetings K.C. tried to tell me I was depressed but I didn’t believe him. K.C. was so right back then. I hope he reads all of the Primetime blogs I write. When I was in Primetime I was a depressed little emotional vampire masking everything with humor or some other egoic bullshit. I used to wear a comedian mask everywhere. What a ridiculous character I was.


In 2010 my “roommate” Dr. Paul McDuff Allen was able to bring out my hidden depression and help me to heal. Mainly it was God but at the time I felt God coming through Dr. Allen. I used to drink to mask my feelings of depression and then when I got sober I got a handle on my depression.


Spinal Gazer

Alcohol was the best self-medication to help me deny my depression. When I got sober and was able to see what I was really like I cried and got over it. I gazed at my navel and I gazed at my spine and practiced yoga until I became one with the universe.

By Dean McAdams

Born a poor peckerwood in Tujunga, CA, Dean mastered secrets of the ancient grifters in order to elevate himself.