Eye Movement Desensitizing and Reprogramming cleared childhood trauma from my neural pathways.

eye movement desensitizing and reprocessing

Due to my traumatic childhood, I have found it impossible to show true affection to any other human being. I loved my dog during my turbulent childhood and so as an adult I could only love dogs. On some level I felt that the childhood trauma inflicted upon me gave me permission to abuse other people. I hated the angry, vengeful person that I had become. My efforts to manage my rage made me chronically tense, and made love and friendship impossible. Then, right before the pandemic lockdown in March of 2020, I got in big trouble for raging at someone and throwing soup on him. My bad behavior got me into EMDR therapy. Eye movement desensitizing and reprogramming cleared my neural pathways so that my childhood trauma could be properly integrated into the arc of my life. In the early days of EMDR an expensive light bar was used:

Professional caliber EMDR machine

Then it was discovered that EMDR therapy was just as effective by having the clinician move his finger back and forth in front of the client’s eyes. However during the coronavirus pandemic lockdown therapists and patients were not permitted to meet in person, thereby preventing traditional EMDR therapy.

Fortunately, a few weeks into the lockdown, my therapist was able to conduct my EMDR therapy over Zoom. My life was saved by technology.

EMDR Therapy Via Zoom

When I was four years-old, I got knocked unconscious by a rock and the physical and emotional trauma was constantly in my sub-consciousness. I was looking for my assailants everywhere. My therapist told me to go back to the details of my assault. He told me to bring back images of the attack, the sounds that I heard and the thoughts that had gone through my mind. My therapist told me to just let the images come to mind, we did not analyze anything.

Then he switched off his Zoom image and made a colored dot appear on my computer screen. He instructed me to follow the dot back and forth with my eyes. Within seconds an avalanche of rage and terror came to the surface. I vividly re-felt the pain of getting smashed in the head with that rock sixty years ago. I had been subconsciously experiencing the rock hitting my head and now I was consciously experiencing the trauma.

As I was recounting what I was experiencing to my therapist, all he did was stop the dot and say, “Uh-huh, good, stop, take a deep breath, what did happened next?” He kept the dot moving back and forth as my eyes followed it. Other memories emerged at random of me looking for my assailants everywhere, wanting to hurt them, and then simply going about my life. He instructed me to let my brain do all the work and keep my mind and analyzing out of it. The images in my mind led me out of my

Getting hit in the head was just something that happened a long time ago

At the end of my session I had an amazing feeling of calmness and well-being. The memory of getting hit in the head with that rock list its intensity. Now it was just something that happened a long time ago. I began to understand this terrible event and its effect on my life. That rock to the head was my demon that caused me to become an alcoholic. That rock also made me learn to think faster than other people. I had to learn how to become a survivor and overcome my childhood trauma.

The rock to the head incident was over now. Now I know what happened and it wasn’t my fault. I was just a little kid and some older kids sucker punched me.

eye movement desensitizing and reprogramming
Rapid Eye Movement During Dreaming

Eye movement desensitizing and reprogramming was discovered by psychologist Francine Shapiro by accident. One day when she was out walking she discovered that by moving her eyes back and forth, traumatic images in her mind lost their impact. EMDR is similar to the rapid eye movement (REM) stage sleep of dreaming. During the day I will often move my eyes back and forth as self-therapy to clear out my neural pathways.

By Dean McAdams

Born a poor peckerwood in a Tujunga holler, Dean practiced secrets of the ancient & modern masters to end up liberated in the coastal paradise of West L.A.