MIRACLE IN MALIBU: I chose a non-AA rehab because it had yoga and then got sober in AA!

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What is Gay Alcoholism Treatment?

The hero gets the adventure he’s ready for.
                                      -Joseph Campbell

The purpose of this article is to turn some of my ten year-old writing into a resource for spirituality as treatment for bisexual and gay alcoholism. The following material was mostly written while I was in sober living in Malibu. Some the writing below came from a huge book review and publicity campaign that I created for Christopher Nutter’s, All the Way Out. 

What this post ultimately boils down to is one big attempt to dominate search engine results for help finding teenage gay alcoholism information. My parents and I needed this type of resource forty years ago and so now I am creating it here as a public service. Your solutions are spiritual. The way to recover from your emotional problems is to find your own queer God of any kind that connects you to the universe. 


Gay Alcoholism Wake-Up Call:

In 2003 I got fired from my job and my wife divorced me. I had to fix-up my house and sell and my mother died of breast cancer on the same day that I closed escrow. I had felony alcohol related assault and battery charges against me pending and I was binging methamphetamine to power my way through it all.

By the grace of God while I was Googling “gay alcoholism treatment” I found Milestones Ranch dual diagnosis treatment center in Malibu. I chose Milestones because their advertising said that they were not an AA 12 Step rehab. Milestones had pictures of people doing yoga on their website. I had tried AA and it didn’t work. I wanted yoga for my alcoholism treatment. 

That Winter of 2013-14, I moved into my RV with my German shepherd and then ended up back at my father’s house in the same bedroom I had when I was a teenager. Three days later a marketing representative from Milestones came and picked me up. There really isn’t a category for gay alcoholism it is just my keyword for this post. This post is one big public service message for LGBT recovery from the emotional and mental disorders known as alcoholism and drug addiction. 


The Gay Alcoholism Treatment Journey Begins

When I finally sold the house in December of 2003 the Los Angeles real estate market was so overheated that I walked with away with a considerable capital gain. I was too messed up to get myself into hospital on my own and and so the rehab came and picked me up at my father’s house. I checked myself into a plush Malibu alcohol and drug treatment center with my German shepherd named Dharma, recreational vehicle and mini-van. It wasn’t a gay alcoholism specialty treatment center but it does not need to be. What you need is a gay spiritual program. What you need is any spiritual program. 

My therapist at that rehab introduced me to A Course in Miracles, Quantum Mechanics and esoteric Christ Consciousness. I ended up staying at that rehab and their sober living facility for eighteen months and remained celibate by choice during that time. In the isolated natural beauty of the Malibu hills I found God, recovery and finally came out to myself as a sexually liberated man. I AM a Liberated Man!

Then I lived in my RV on the beach in Malibu where my journey of self-transformation included writing about gay alcoholism and emotional disorders. Recovering from my mental maladies and coming out to myself presents an amazing opportunity for self-realization. Being pansexual is now a tremendous gift because only then was I able to experience the entire world as first class because everything is divine, and everything is meaningful.

By being brave enough to create this gay alcoholism resource I empower myself. Learn to rely upon your own awareness to discern what is true and untrue about yourself. Free yourself from the judgments of the world forever, and in the process discover spirituality as your healing source. That is the moment that being gay in this world transmutes into opportunity for profound realization.

The essence of the gift of being gay is profound self-realization. Straight may people have it easier in the social scene because it really is more of a first-class world for heterosexual people only. Gay life is easier sexually and straight life is easier socially. That is why bisexual works for me.

However straights do not have it easier when it comes to waking up from unconsciousness because they are not challenged in the profound way that gay people are. That’s where the gift of being bisexual counts. After all, what straight person in the world has ever had to take a giant leap of consciousness just to acknowledge the gender they are sexually attracted to? Therefore looking around at the suffering of so many straight people they obviously gain no special benefit in the midst of their first-class sexual status. The idea that being straight is better is an illusion. I have lived as a straight man, had great sex with women, and I am much happier as a bisexual man. The sex is easier, better and more rewarding with men for me. It’s social aspect of gay life that sucks.

Being queer is a special gift for men because by coming out we willfully trade in our great place of privilege in the world for a greater sense of our true selves. Even other subjugated group like women, and Africans, usually don’t get the particular challenge and opportunity for growth that choice offers. A straight woman is gratifying my social needs, and I choose to have a sexual relationship with an older gay gentleman who is also mentoring me in my new career as a motivational speaker and life coach. This all synergizes into my blogging about bisexual gay alcoholism and spirituality. 

Our lives are defined by the choices we make. The infinite number of choices gay men have to make is astounding.

Being out is an exclusively internal and intuitive process. There is nothing wrong with being gay and therefore there is no reason to hide it. Realizing this can be an incredibly long journey and few gay men ever make it all the way, but when you achieve a level of total outness, then you have transcended the closet altogether-you no longer have to be “out” because no part of you is “in.” You simply are.

Coming out consciously for the rest of your life can utilize the endless challenges to your authenticity as endless opportunities for healing. Heal the part of you that is still judging yourself to be wrong because you are gay.

The pressure to recede is exercised in the form of fears-of violence, of repercussions, of offending, of making people uncomfortable-which are instilled in us in adolescence and which so many of us accept as true. But fear only emanates from the subconscious mind, and like all subconscious thoughts it is on an endless journey to prove itself true. So the problem here is that if you have fear in any form-and homophobia is itself a fear-then you will indeed see it everywhere because it is your own that you see.

Set as your intent to face what is going on in your mind every time your authenticity as a gay man is challenged.

The only person’s sexuality you can truly know is your own. My true and authentic sexuality is bisexual sacred androgyny which is so hybrid and unique that very few people on the planet understand it, therefore I don’t waste my time seeking external validation.
The word “gay” is so loaded with connotations and meanings that have nothing to do with your sexual preference that the matter can become still more confused. The word bisexual is also loaded with it’s own connotations, like it is some fifty-fifty ratio of a simultaneously equal attraction to men and women. I’m attracted to women, but not willing to put the time, effort and emotional energy into sexing them anymore when sex with men is good, easy, and emotionally purifying. I’m the only one who can truly understand how I feel in this regard. That’s because what is most essential in life cannot be “seen” with the eyes or described with words; it has to be felt. I would actually prefer to be with a woman who is appropriate for me however I am left to love the one I’m with.


Uncovering the subconscious in gay alcoholism

It may take a while to uncover your subconscious thoughts and motivations. Subconscious thoughts are often like the house in your neighborhood you’ve walked by a million times but somehow never looked at. Becoming aware of what you’ve never looked at requires that you be on full wakeful alert on your daily walks up and down your street. Instead of daydreaming about what should be there, or what’s going on elsewhere, so that you are not aware of what is right before your eyes right here, right now, you stop dreaming and you look at every house. You force yourself to stay awake and pay close attention to this very moment that you are in. When you do so, that’s when you’ll spot your first one and think, “Wow, in all these years I’ve never noticed that house! How in the world did I never see it? Yet it’s been there all along!”

If you wake up and stay awake during every moment of the day you will suddenly begin to see lots and lots of things you never noticed. You might be surprised at what and who has been living in the jacuzzi of your mind. What have all these people in your head been doing to your life? It isn’t easy because these parasitical beliefs become entrenched in your personal belief system and thereby function as part of you.

As a child, before you had beliefs, you were utterly present and accepted everything for how it was in that moment. In that state you would have thought nothing about two men holding hands or living together. It was the belief systems you were indoctrinated into later and that you chose to agree with that created the judgment you have against men who love and have sex with one another. It was later on that you wound up judging yourself. And the way out of this judgment against yourself is through the process of questioning.

My mother used to denigrate my friends and guitar teacher behind my back, snipping that, “They are too feminine, they are swishers.” What mom was really doing was denying her own femininity, denying her own maternal instinct, denying her child of unconditional love. Today my prayer to my mother is, “I have compassion for you as I move on with my divinity.”

My mother and father were too busy talking trash about other people’s lives, sexuality, and masculinity that they didn’t have time to live their own lives, or develop their children’s character.

Does what anyone else says cause or change who you are sexually attracted to? If the answer is no, then you must be willing to let go of that belief. Free yourself for true gay alcoholism treatment with love and forgiveness. 

Once you have disempowered enough of your belief systems to begin to connect with the true knowledge about yourself, you must now begin to wake up during moments of sexual arousal. This is crucial. Without unfounded beliefs and fears in your way, you can actually perceive what is in a state of acceptance and sanity.

The thing about the nature of what is actually real beneath your beliefs and fears is that it doesn’t require any thinking and it doesn’t need you to believe it—you can believe all day that the world is flat you but that doesn’t make it flat. And the world doesn’t need you to believe that it is round to be round. Similarly, you can believe all day that you are straight but it doesn’t make you straight, and you don’t need to believe that you are straight, gay or bisexual in order to be either one-you just are. The point is to just see what you are and do the same thing, which is to accept it.

Stay conscious in moments of sexual arousal. Make a choice to observe and note what you find sexually exciting, and also in turn what you do not. Being unclouded by belief, you will slowly bring consciousness and light to your inner sexual reality, and with it clarity and acceptance.

The last step is to move consciously into a state of willful acceptance of your personal truth. Not the tribal version of the truth. Only what you have seen and experienced yourself as the truth. The act of objectively seeing what is and accepting it is a process and a practice that takes some time to develop.

What is real it that you have no idea what people feel or think about you now or what they will feel and think later. It is only your own thoughts and feelings that you think and feel. It may seem as if someone else thinks you’re a faggot, but it can only be you who feels like a faggot. If you do not feel like a faggot, the term “faggot” does not exist for you, end of story.

You must have faith and trust in yourself and the universe that you will be able to reorder your life to suit the authentic you. You have already done this in one way or another. You have chosen one place to live, one friend to have, one field of endeavor to choose over others because they suited you. This power you have to do as you please extends to creating your new life as a bisexual man.

Being out is at once irrelevant and then paradoxical for the bisexual. The generally mediocre minds of the masses cannot, or will not expand to the concept of true bisexuality. Therefore it is better to be gay with your same gender and straight with your opposite. My one world exists in both of theirs. It is still primarily about you and not them.

The problem with negative emotions is that they emanate from your subconscious self. If you come from a state of fear, that is what you will engender in others.


Delivering your gay alcoholism recovery message

Focus on delivering your message with love from your own heart, for that will help melt away distance and fear, and connect your listener to the universal point of your story, which every person on the Earth can relate to, which is your personal journey toward happiness and fulfillment. Have a heartful of love for yourself.


Gay alcoholism recovery means starting a spiritual life

Just start living your new life now and let others figure it out. This is your right as a human being. If you want to start openly dating or referring to other men as hot, then do it. Just be open to the channels that will be offered to you in any given moment. I could never have predicted the way it worked for me, and it was so much more genius than anything I could have come up with on my own. As long as you are honest about being sexually attracted to men and women, you’re good to go.

Discover the bliss of authenticity for yourself. It may be that coming out publicly is not the best idea for a bisexual. There are not a lot of other bisexuals to come out to. Stay conscious and you’ll know what to do.

The challenge is to wake up and watch yourself so that you can always create conscious intents to live in truth during gay alcoholism treatment.

I’m the only one who has a problem with being gay. Or bisexual. Or whatever.
The uncomfortable truth behind the fact that I live a totally gay sexual life but do not identify as such is the simple fact that I have a searing lack of self love. Love myself.

In order to turn all these challenges into opportunities for self-realization, I must create an intent to be authentic and conscious in every setting I find myself in which there is an active assumption or presumption of my being totally heterosexual. And the benefits of allowing this light to come in are enormous. The more clear and conscious I am, the less fearful I am, the more I will give myself the love and acceptance that I deeply desire, and the more able over time I will be to simply observe the illusions of the world, even as they pertain to you, and help out those around you who are in their grip.

This is because the continued process of coming out fully in the service of myself can also eventually be done in the true service of others, and this will help you transmute an anxious, fearful and confused inner condition into one of peace, clarity and freedom, which you will then be able to offer to everyone I come into contact with. That way I am not just ready for the truth, I am its messenger, too. The messenger is the medium of gay alcoholism recovery. 


By Dean McAdams

Born a poor peckerwood in a Tujunga holler, Dean practiced secrets of the ancient & modern masters to end up liberated in the coastal paradise of West L.A.