Love only exists in this present moment, this present mind. Loving someone means that you are fully present for that person in the now moment. Love anyway no matter what. Love in the now means that you are simply being with that person. Learning to be with someone at this level is an art form. This level of beingness is a form of heart training. Learning to love is giving art lessons to the heart.
In the alcoholism recovery business, it is often said that the most difficult journey is from the head to the heart. I may know that my heart needs to listen, to hear and to soften, however it may take decades to accomplish this head to heart healing. Awakening happens in an instant and spiritual practice takes a life time.
When I began my training in love and intimacy I could barely hold my lovers gaze for longer than a few seconds. My intimacy teacher would literally take a hold of my chin and turn my head so that my eyes would meet his again. Breath with me. He would intone as I was busying myself with purely physical pursuits. Just come here and be with me. Thus I began my classical Greek training in the art of love and intimacy and the practice of white tantra. I now have a love and intimacy practice, as well as a spiritual practice.
Basic Intimacy Skills
Eye gazing and tantric breathing are basic intimacy skills. There are many different ways to practice tantric breathing with your partner. The breathing is like a dance. The inhale and exhale are orgasmic in their vibration and emotion. Tantric breathing is to have a constant orgasmic tactile connection to your partner. You can synchronize your breathing or inhale the air your partner exhales. The important thing is to remain fully present. I am inspired by writing these words to create some tantric breathing videos and post them on this website.
Eye gazing is also very basic to intimacy on a literal and symbolic level. If you close your eyes you are missing this most basic component of the human sensual panorama. David Deida even says that if you close your eyes everything is reduced to mere masturbation and I agree.
Learning pure unconditional agape love has been one of my most difficult journeys in life. Only by my relationship to real lovers to I even know the experience of what real love is. Now that I know what agape is I can retro-feel it from my relationships of the past. Now that I know what real love is I can feel myself withholding my love from my partner in the moment. Now that I can move my love energy like an emotional tool I can feel myself turn my own love on and off. Agape is never about the other person. Love is about me gushing the feeling I label as love. My love is creating and sculpting in the art form of love.
Turning On Agape
Love is an emotional energy that I turn on with my heart and project through my being. My essence becomes love. My body becomes a receiver and broadcaster of love. I am interconnected to everyone and dependent upon no one.
Where is the Agape?
Agape is where I make it. My agape thing is right here right now. If I am okay with myself then everything is okay.
I am learning to give my tribe the special love that it needs. My whole life I am used to being put on a pedestal and worshiped as a sex god. Forty years ago at Pirate’s Cove on Pt. Dume in Malibu my film partner Jon W. said to me: “You look like a Greek sex god.” I was sitting on a beer cooler probably drinking a malt liquor. I am used to being the pursued and submissive partner. Now I am also taking on the role of initiator. Not really a dominator, more analogous to an educator. I am giving an education in love. I am becoming an educator of love by typing these very words stating this intention. I am an educator and healer of love relationships just like astrologer Jerry Goldstein told me I was seven years ago at his studio on Pt. Dume.
It is time for me to leave that which no longer serves me. I am torn with affection for the agape women of Culver City. However at this stage of my life taking on the emotional responsibility of a woman is not really in my energy circuit. I am moving towards relationships that heal me, serve me and take care of me. I am going to be moving on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving to a world where there are no women. I am moving back to my private bliss world of love and affection where I will be placed upon a pedestal and worshiped by pederasts. As my decades winnow out into the solitude of the desert I bask in the warm sunlight and fresh air of the spirit.
Currently I am living in West Hollywood and amusing myself with the full broadband range of my pansexual social milieu. There is a wild masculine energy in me that finds women exciting and worthwhile, yet tires easily. I tire easily with women. I find myself constantly guessing as to what she wants and how to be with her. With women I feel drained and tired as if I have just finished a part-time job that pays a wide range of emotional dividends
I am in cosmic bliss at my decision to totally end my relationship with A.H. I release her with love. She took me far and now our ten year relationship is over. Thank you for blessing me with your friendship and healing during my early recovery in my Malibu years. I used to think about her when I was in the desert. I am no good for women my age. I am not looking for a woman to take care of and curry favor and affection from. I no longer need a woman to complete me. I am complete. I am androgynous. I am St. Paul of Thebes, the Hermit in the Desert.
This Blog is One of the Most Important Things That I Have Left in Life. This Blog is me metamorphosing right before my eyes and yours. I need a new life and therefore I am creating it right now with this blog. I need purpose and meaning in my life. This blog forces purpose and meaning into my life. I have to be real here. I have to be somebody here. In a decade or three when I am ninety years old and my life on this material plane is over I will be able to come back and read this. I will read these words from cyberspace as I prepare to reincarnate or not. Hopefully not. My intention is to purify my soul so that I do not reincarnate as another life form. I am feeling done with existence on a universal level. I feel that I have spent enough time as a physical life form and am prepared for the next evolution of my soul. This was a great body I had for this life. I am grateful that I had such a beautiful body this time around. My body has served me well and it is still serving me as it will up until my last exhale with God.
I am warming up my soul for my next near death experience. My next NDE will be number four. I don’t want to push it. Numero quatro could be the big one. At any rate I want to be ready for it. I need to be the eternal man in this eternal moment. I need to be praying and meditating as awakened spiritual form in the desert and not living in sensual finite dense space and time. I am preparing for NDE number four by being the man I want to be in eternity. Whatever I am doing in the hour leading up to NDE #4 is what I will be doing for my next parenthesis in eternity.