NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE 101:
Choose wisely what you are holding in consciousness during your final days and hours of life because you will be experiencing that for a long, long time. In my third NDE I learned that my sexual karma was controlling my destiny. Now it is my job to go deeper and deeper into my own idiosyncratic hybrid NDE consciousness.
NDE as Hybrid Consciousness
There is one medical school of thought that near death experiences are a hybrid combination between regular waking consciousness and REM dream sleep. This describes how I felt during my last NDE. This last NDE lasted an incredibly long time, approximately three minutes. After my NDE I had several other altered states of consciousness in the hospital mainly as a result of the anesthesia administered for my open heart surgery. This NDE consciousness was also mixed in with regular sleep.
Looking back almost a year later I realize that I dreamed a lot of things that I erroneously believed were happening in regular waking consciousness between myself and the hospital staff. I dreamed that my surgeon was trying to convince me to kill myself for being gay and that I had a tryst initiated by a female nurse. While I was in the hospital I really believed all of this was happening. Now I really don’t know what was real or how long the initial NDE lasted.
Most importantly at this point I am not sure exactly what role the anesthesia played in all of this. I don’t know if the anesthesia amplified or maybe even created my entire “NDE” experience. I also received regular morphine post-op because of the pain of the stomach tube. I had to be re-intubated a second time and therefor received a second dose of anesthesia. It was incredibly hard work doing the required breathing in the cardiac post-op ward.
It took months for my cognition to get anywhere near normal. Two months after my surgery I read a summons and complaint for an attorney and I could barely understand what I was reading. That had never happened to me before. I kinda-sorta had to “re-learn” the legal profession just a little bit. It was like I needed remedial lessons in how to be a legal assistant.
Now ten months later I have totally given up on my legal career. I can’t function at paralegal level for minimum wage. I am feeling old and done. I am living off of my meager fixed assets and limping along to age 59-1/2. My heart is busted and I am in pain from shingles. I can’t get on social security disability because I have retirement account assets. I am moving to the desert for the cheap rent and a life of prayer, meditation and contemplation. I will be going to church and Bible studies in the Coachella Valley. LA is a very expensive city to live in.
All of this NDE consciousness taught me the importance of choosing wisely. It is important to choose who you are associating with very carefully because you may end up in heaven with them. Also choose your consciousness very carefully because that is what you are to God. Create your divine reality with care. Don’t be a greedy little sex pig like me.
Always have gratitude for the free gift of life that you were given. Make an attempt to unconditionally love and forgive everyone. Do this for yourself with no concern for those that you love and forgive. My last NDE taught me to be grateful for the gift of life.
My NDE taught me to live in contemplation of the divine because that is what I want to be doing in the eternity of my passing from this material plane of existence. Do I always contemplate the divine and meditate as much as I should. No I fall far short of the mark when it comes to my spiritual practice. I fall down from squandering my sexual energy and die. Then God picks me back up and I try to get it right again.
I need to teach myself these NDE lessons right here right now and maybe then I can teach them to you. My intention is to use the desert to cleanse my doors of perception and prepare for my final transition. I have already had three NDE’s and I don’t want to push it. My last NDE was a near-fatal heart attack and therefore I could go at any time now. I would like to live for another twenty years however that may not happen for me.
In the days and hours before my last NDE I was hanging out with someone I didn’t really like because I was using that person financially. He was using me sexually and emotionally and I was using him financially. Charlie actually began our relationship by sexually assaulting me at a CMEN pool party in the San Fernando Valley. When I responded affirmatively he invited me to move in with him in Philadelphia. We were watching a lot of true crime programming on the flat screens together. I was making a meager living doing online legal assistant work over the Internet.
Dean’s NDE 101 Lesson
In my third NDE I was given the option of becoming the perfect homosexual serial killer, which I declined with shock and disbelief. I could have become the perfect serial killer because I would never be caught. I would be doomed to prowl the night for eternity as a killer of other gay men just like myself. My soul would want to repent and die or go to prison but I would be doomed to live forever, or a least for a long time relative to the life span most serial killers.
I experienced my being as disembodied energy hovering over the earth deciding which incarnation to choose as they were offered to me. All of the options God was offering me were bleak. I could feel myself warming up to the idea of just entering what was offered. I didn’t want to come back into any of the life forms I was offered. I didn’t want to prowl the forests of Pennsylvania as a deranged psychopath . . .
Just then Charlie K. saved my life. He coughed or rolled over or something and woke me up in his bed in Center City, Philadelphia. It was around six a.m. on December 26, 2014. I grabbed my chest in the classic heart attack grip and uttered: “Oh God Charlie I’m dying of a heart attack just like my father before me!” Then Charlie proceeded to save my life by putting me in his car and taking me to the ER at Hahnemann Hospital for an emergency triple by-pass open heart surgery. I now see that I had a lot of NDE type consciousness during my post-operative care in the cardiac unit.
So have I learned my NDE lesson now that I am back in California? No. I have not learned my NDE lesson. I am still associating with men who don’t really turn me on with their spiritual energy. I have been associating with daddy’s who gratify my sexual and social needs. My guys this year were all great lovers as usual but both were still angry active alcoholics. I let myself be attracted to both of them for the great sex. I am creating the same patterns over and over again. I am having a relationship with someone who does not have long term potential. I am selling myself short for great sex in the California sun. I am grateful that God is picking me up and dusting me off after all of my egoic choices involving sexual quality over spiritual quality.
I need to find a new friend in the desert to engage me with his oneness and his spiritual community. I need to see myself as the other men of my spiritual community see me. I am surprising myself with the honesty of this NDE inspired confession. I need to grow up and stop searching for a daddy. I need to grow up and become the daddy. This is the lesson of my NDE–become the top. I need to transition to top with more of a spiritual practice, not so much emphasis on my sexual practice. This is very difficult for me in the gay desert paradise of Southern California.
Learning this Month’s NDE Lesson:
I am catching myself here with a homosexual NDE lesson before I make a mistake down in the desert and sell my soul. I am actually considering selling my soul for social gratification. I am moving to the desert to rent a room from James. (Not his real name). I am actually talking to James about creating a karaoke character for myself named Dino Martino. Dino Martino singing So Alive by Love And Rockets at 10:00 p.m. in a bar. Me in gay karaoke bars from San Francisco to Palm Springs by way of North Hollywood? With James in his self-described karaoke rock star on tour life-style? I disgust myself with my emotional neediness for such whirl wind diversionary non-stop social activity. Suicide by weapons of mass distraction.
I want to go to the desert for solitude and quality companionship. I have been squandering myself for social validation. I have even been socializing at AA, which is a big mistake for me. Agape always has its Afrocentric quality and so I am looking to branch out. I want to be out in the desert sunlight with masculine homosexual white males. Why do I always need to have a partner? Because happiness has more flavor when shared with someone.
Sharing physical and emotional intimacy with just one other human being is important to me. Hanging out in any late night scene is not really me. I am a one-on-one type of person. Parties and restaurants are great but I like to be heading home by 10:00 p.m. Bars are not a good place for me. I don’t drink alcohol and so I have no damn business in a bar. So why am I actually considering selling my very soul with this karaoke thing just to get closer to James? I disgust myself with my whore like behavior. Where the hell did I get this? It all started with McDuff. McDuff pays everyone. McDuff pays his shaman and he pays his lovers. McDuff paid me. McDuff helped me to become a prostitute.
What if I die as a cheap gay male prostitute in a karaoke bar in the desert and it is not just another NDE? What if I spend my eternity in a karaoke bar singing So Alive by Love And Rockets?
What will God think when he sees me singing in a bar? What the heck will I think when I hear tone deaf singers croaking out karaoke songs? I will be thinking the same thing I thought last time I was in the karaoke bar with James: I hate karaoke bars, this hurts my ears and my head. These guys are all half my age. James is an exciting 61 year old man but his karaoke thing is just not for me. Other parts of James are really for me. James is very sexually aggressive and last month he fucked me in a swimming pool at a CMEN party in the San Fernando Valley. I can still remember it in this moment. The pressure of the water on my body gave me a full body orgasm.
Writing this article is how I find my own answers from within my NDE
My last NDE was during a whirlwind relationship in Philadelphia with Charlie K. that ended this year. I have also been in two whirlwind relationships in the desert so far this year already. I need to see, hear and feel myself express that getting involved in a late night life is not for me. I know the connections that I need to make in the desert and it is not the night life thing. I haven’t been out late in Palm Springs for years. I rarely go out late in LA. James is kind of an anomaly. Most of the guys I know do a lot of things but not really late at night. My NDE is my teacher telling me to go to the Church of St. Paul in the Desert to begin my new life in Palm Springs.
Keeping One’s Own Counsel
Wise is he who keeps his own counsel. My intuition is telling me really easy things that used to baffle me. I can now see my constant seeking for outside validation and comfort. My relationship skills improved and I went overboard using them. My love and intimacy skills were almost non-existant five years ago. On because of Dr. McDuff have I progressed into the realm of sacred intimacy. I can feel now. My NDE taught me to fee. I can now gush with emotion. I have become an emotion junkie. I am probably also an orgasm addict. What a confessional this blog is turning out to be. I have decided not to place great emotional stock in my new AA buddy Alice. (Not her real name of course). I want a boyfriend not a girlfriend who needs only emotional support and connection. If I give my emotional energy to women then that is where I am at. I need to find good male friends in the desert.
Dean’s NDE Commitment
From now on I resolve to only associate with people that I would want to be scene with by other people. I don’t really want to be seen as James’ lover or boyfriend or anything. I really don’t want to have anything physical to do with James. I just want him to be my landlord. And of course I want to use him like I use all unattractive men like James who are sexually attracted to me.
I just now looked in my phone at Jackhammer Jimmie John’s phone number but I don’t know which is his cell and which is his land line. I want to text him. Wow even here I have to catch myself. JJJ is a great lover but I don’t really like hanging about with him. I really need to find a quality man. But will he have everything in one package? Probably not. My new man will probably have a beard and I am just now growing to hate beards. I used to always have a beard. Now that young guys have those ridiculously big bushy beards I hate all beards. I even hate beards on myself. Do you know why so many old men have their little grey beards that all look so bad and boring? Because to us little old men the beard looks good in the mirror. We think we look good with our little grey beard because our little bald heads cannot grow hair. So we grow beards to compensate for being bald. We all do it. I did it. I am just not doing it right now even though I am tempted.