In the beginners mind the possibilities are infinite,
In the expert’s mind the possibilities are few.
When I had ten years of sobriety I stopped talking in Primetime Alcoholics Anonymous. I heard my broken personality talking in my broken voice and God told me to get myself well instead of trying to prove I was well. Then I stopped talking in regular AA. Since I was only going to Primetime to listen, I soon stopped going to all AA meetings. Now I have fifteen years and I don’t go to AA because I want to fill my life with health and wholeness. When I had two years I made a promise to Astrid that I would never go out with anyone in AA and I have stuck to it so there is no benefit to me going to AA for social gratification.
My Personality is Just One Big Defense Mechanism
Now I am finally able to see my defective personality at it’s operating system level. My parents taught me to be emotionally broken. They literally gave me lessons in how to not be authentic. When we were forming our personalities my father forced his army hair cuts upon my brother and I. We would be sobbing as he gave us his hideous military buzz cuts when all of our friends had long hair. And then one Halloween Mom & Dad costumed me as a Hawaiian girl in a grass skirt. I had to wear a wig . . .
Know me, broken, by my master.
Teach thee, on child, love hereafter.
-“Would” by Alice in Chains
Broken Parents, Broken Kids
All my youthful years in psychotherapy were essentially wasted because I never really got totally honest with any therapist or AA Sponsor about what my childhood was really like. I always used to minimize and say my childhood was great, good, okay. Now I see that my childhood was extremely psychologically stressful. I am a people pleasing chameleon. One of the main reasons I have good social mobility is because my Mexican mother gave me a sexy body. I wish women liked my body as much as men do. There is a whole sub-culture of bisexual men who live as gay because it is just so much easier to be gay than straight. Now I am sick and tired of the gay social scene and need to develop superior social skills to be a good companion with women.
Healing Lack of Authenticity
My best friend in college used to say that I was a chameleon and I didn’t know who I really was. He was correct. My whole life people have tried to help me with my brokenness and now I am finally having a spiritual awakening that is healing my schizoid personality. When I was with Dr. Allen he said that I was not authentic. Now I understand what he means. I had no concept of being real and was glib by default because I had no authenticity to fall back on. Living with Dr. Paul Allen, OBGYN was like sleeping with my own private sex therapist for two years.